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Welcome to my little home away from home!

My name is Linda Katheryn Mills

And I am a Bigender Individual

Bi-gen·der

adjective

Denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity encompasses two genders. It’s especially used by people who identify as both male and female, though it may include other gender identities as well.

Terminology: BiGender, or DualGender?

Personally I prefer to refer to myself as Dual-Gender, especially when doing outreach (talking to people whom are not in the transgendered community). The word bigender is too similar to the word Bisexual, and as such I have found it to sometimes confuse most “mundane” people. (I think this is similar to the dropping of the word “transexual”, but I digress.)

Let’s talk Bigender: A Deeper Definition/Description

Bigender, bi-gender, or dual gender is a gender identity that includes any two gender identities and behaviors. Identifying as bigender is typically understood to mean that:

1) you identify as both male and female either:

• simultaneously [both male/female genders at the same time]

• fluidly [switching between the two, binary genders, male/female]

• partially [sort of like being a percentage/amount of each]

2) you move between either masculine gender expression and feminine gender expression,

3) you CAN have two distinct gender identities/personas (boy/girl, boy name/girl name) - either simultaneously or fluctuating between them.

Bigender is characterized as having both male and female gender expression. Some bigender people may have predominantly male expression, while some may have predominantly female expression. Some may even have almost even expressions between male and female. It’s important to understand however that bigender people don’t usually present as a mix of male and female. They present as the one gender that they most feel like at that specific time.

The American Psychological Association describes the bigender identity as part of the umbrella of transgender identities. It falls under the nonbinary umbrella and is one of the many multigender identities out there, one of the more well known ones in fact (genderfluid probably being the most well known).

Certs Commercial

• I find that a great way to describe bigender is the old Certs commercial: “Two, two, two mints in one!”

• In the 1960s and 1970s, Certs was heavily advertised on American television with a famous campaign featuring two attractive young people earnestly arguing over the proper classification of the mints. The one participant would assert, “It’s a breath mint!” The other would assay a rebuttal by stating, “It’s a candy mint!” This dilemma would finally be resolved by the unseen announcer, who would achieve synthesis by explaining that Certs was “Two, two, two mints in one!”

• Saturday Night Live lampooned the ads with a fictitious product called “Shimmer”, with Gilda Radner’s argument “It’s a floor wax!” vs. Dan Aykroyd’s “It’s a dessert topping, you cow!” being resolved by announcer Chevy Chase’s declaration that “New Shimmer’s a floor wax and a dessert topping!”. Indeed, the phrase “Two, two, two [insert any word here] in one” remained an American idiomatic expression into the 21st Century.

A realization that brought clarity to me.

20 years or more ago it occurred to me that if I’d been born a cis woman, I would probably have had a desire to be a man. That realization hit me pretty hard and seemed to clarify a lot of what I was feeling. It's not wanting or needing to be the opposite gender I was assigned at birth, it's simply the fact that I have and always have had both genders within me. That’s really what being Bigender is, two mints in one....

The Magical Gender Switch

Many years ago I was watching an episode of the Donahue talk show and the topic that day was crossdressing. There was a petite, older gentleman dressed enfemme sitting with his wife, and when it came his turn to talk he mentioned how he wished he had a Magical Gender Switch, like a light switch, marked Male and Female. This switch would completely, physically and mentally, turn him into a man or a woman when it was flipped to the appropriate side. (The male side would probably point up, obviously! Lol!) I couldn’t have agree with him more and wished I had a switch just like that as well. (Note that the two options are completely and totally one or the other, there is no combination of the two binary gender sides.)

Over the years, in conversation with other like minded individuals, they too have mentioned a desire for a similar switch. It’s a strong need that bigender people seem to share.

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So? What it’s like being bigender?

• Well for starters, no two bigender people are the same, nor do they have the same experiences.

• As much as I’d like to share alternative bigender stories, I can only tell you mine, so keep in mind that what I say isn’t the universal truth for all of us.

• My insight to being bigender in the real world is well, kind of uneventful, as I’m pretty closeted and don’t intend to come out any time soon.

• As for me I’m probably the most stereotypical form of bigender- I’m boy/girl, I use he/him and she/her pronouns, and I even have two names, one “boy” name and the other a “girl” name.

• For me, I’m simultaneously both of my genders, 100% girl and 100% boy. In other words I carry both binary genders within me. This is another reason I like to call myself “dual-gender”, it’s a descriptive word that fits me perfectly.

• With that in mind I’m not 70% one and 30% the other, nor am I fluid between the two. However, due to social pressures I “act” in the role I’m currently presenting as, which is typically male. So for the most part, other than at transgender conferences and group meetings, my feminine experiences mostly happen internally.

• However, with all of this said, at different times during a day I do feel more like either a girl, or a boy. It’s kinda like the tide washing in and out on a beach. It’s hard to determine which gender wants to be more in the drivers seat.

• Because of this I do have dysphoria, both social and physical.

• It’s pretty amazing how the boy in me informs the girl, and the girl in me informs the boy. I can relate a lot to both female and male experiences.

• More specifically, when I present as a boy, I act like (what I have come to understand) a boy acts like, and I feel fairly comfortable being treated as such. And I feel exactly the same when it comes to presenting as a girl. In other words I feel more masculine sometimes, and tend to comfortably assume a Masculine persona, and the same goes for my Feminine persona.

• I also try to represent the best that a man can be. I believe that toxic masculinity is an issue in our society and that honestly, men need to have a liberation. In raising my son I’ve tried to teach him to understand the best in what a man can be and to toss aside the worse aspects.

• Lastly, and simply put, I just have a deep seated need to feel pretty. (Or as pretty as I can get without surgery as I always joke to myself). And as an creative person I strive for the best feminine presentation that I can. I think it's important to understand it's not so much about the clothing. When I feel my feminine side well up within me I'm female in my mind. The reason I dress then is to present the feminine aspect I feel inside externally to other people. I not only feel like a woman, I want to be perceived and interacted with as a woman. (Perhaps I really don't hide my female side when presenting as a male as much as I like to think I do. I sometimes wonder that if I ever did come out to people that know me many of them might say, hmmm, yes, that makes a lot of sense.)

• Lastly, on the topic of surgery, I do not plan on getting any. Interestingly enough I won’t even pierce my ears, even if my wife has tried to get me to. You may laugh but that's "surgery" in my book and could start me down a slippery slope. Perhaps years of hiding my “secret” away has left me with PTSD when it comes to this topic.

Let's talk about Positive aspects of being bigender

• Being bigendered really is both a gift and a blessing!

• In my exploration relating to both female and male experiences I have greater understanding of life, from both sides of the fence. And I have always tried to understand the way a woman lives, thinks, relates to others, etc, on as deep a level as I possibly can. The more I inhabit the role the more I can understand what it means to be female in our society and identify with their wants, needs, a social constraints. I've become quite the feminist as the years have gone along.

• Personally I feel very lucky to be dual-gendered. It gives me such an amazing perspective that the vast majority of people, stuck in one gender, never experience.

• Being a better spouse to my understanding wife. My wife and I connect with each other on a deeper level. She once stated to me that perhaps she needed to fall in love with someone like me. The kind, gentle, understanding traits I exhibit are the ones that attracted her to me in the first place. I’m definitely not your typical male!

• This leads to having Honesty in one’s life and relationships.

• How being bigendered has forced me to explore life and who I am as a person. I’ve always been a searcher, a philosopher at heart, and I live with a reflecting state of mind

• Finding Balance in life - between girl and boy

• Finding happiness

• Embracing and excepting who you are

Let's talk about Negative aspects of being bigender

• We are such an underrepresented group. We have a visibility issue, that’s for sure. And I truly believe that’s due to the need to hide our true nature during our day-to-day lives. Plus the media completely focuses on trans men and women, causing people to over look bi-gender people in the greater community.

• A lot of people have never heard of bigender, or just totally misunderstand us.

• Not very much information and advice to be found on the internet about being bigender. Trans men and women issues shout over our needs too much.

• Not very visible in the media since again, they focus on trans men and women, causing people to over look bi-gender people in the greater community.

• Therefore this is issue is very confusing to a lot of people. How can I be trans but not ‘fully’ trans? When are you going to transition? You’re not truly transgendered then are you?

• Having to hide who I am at heart if you’re closeted because of a variety of social reasons (job, community)

• Summer / Fall - Shaving (arms, legs, chest) vs not shaving, especially in the summer months

• The desire to grow long fingernails

• Having to act a role when you don’t really want to

• Being jealous of what women have - camaraderie

• Being sad that we have to hide so much

• Not being truthful with a partner from the start, mainly because we didn’t understand ourselves early on

• The years of anguish, inner struggle, guilt, and the overcoming of those things on our way to becoming more whole and happy with being Dual Gender

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Finding Balance - Don’t loose the boy

As BiGendered individuals all of our actions of gender expression can lead to further investment of time, money and effort in pursuing and achieving that gender expression. However, further exploration of our feminine identity can give us a corresponding neglect of our masculine identity. This in turn increase the desire for more frequent and more in-depth transgender expression. Eventually our feminine identities approach the scale of our masculine identities in size and complexity.

The balance becomes one of sustaining two strong identities.

Our bigender exploration of gender expression can contribute to building a feminine identity separate from our existing masculine identity. Even if we just do the minimum necessary to pass, we are acting differently. Often we do more than that. Through deliberate training or practice, or the repetition of simple acts of doing something feminine or interacting as a woman, we build up feminine identities that are separate from our old masculine ones.

If you are bigender I guess my point is this: don’t forget to nurture the boy within you as well as the girl.

In Closing

At the moment there’s a chance that I might, in the near future, attempt to write something of greater length. Running my seminars have been a bit of a test to see if there’s interest in what I have to say and if there’s enough material for a book length manuscript. With that in mind any personal thoughts you might have on this material could be helpful.

Hugs!

Linda Katheryn Mills

(and her very close "brother")

Former Vice President CDM New York/New Jersey

Founding member of Pathways New Jersey - Transgender Support Group

Proud member of the Vanity Club VC484